Forgiveness
by Moonsong
Summary: SPOILERS OVA 2 Ep. 5 & Manga Vol. 17- Chichiri faces his greatest fear for his only chance at happiness.


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** SPOILERS FOR ENTIRE SERIES UP TO OVA 2-5 **  
  
  
  
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Forgiveness  
By Moonsong  
tsukinouta@yahoo.com  
  
  
The sky was cloudy, as it had always been. For those who   
inhabited this place, sunlight was a hazy dream, not a reality-   
at least to the only one who vaguely remembered what sunlight   
was. Outside the trees glistened, their leaves frosted white;   
the icy ground glinting in the perpetual morning gloom.  
  
Kouran stepped out onto her front porch, broom in hand. A faint   
smile touched her pale lips as she inhaled the soft winter   
breeze. Her once abundant hair, now shorn close to her scalp, was   
bundled underneath the towel she customarily wore over her head   
as she went about her daily chores.  
  
Several cats, of varying shades of black and white, materialized   
from shadowy corners to wind around her slim ankles. Purring and   
mewling, the furry shapes circled the legs of their chosen   
mistress, ever-mindful of the sweeping broom she wielded. One   
gray-striped kitten crept a bit too close and got a face-full of   
dust for its pains. The little creature sneezed, shaking its   
adorable whiskers in puzzlement.   
  
Laughing, she petted his furry head fondly and put away the   
broom. She didn't really know why she swept anymore- no one   
hardly ever visited- and she doubted the cats would care about a   
little dust. Still, it was something to do- and part of the   
routine she had grown accustomed to. The task was comforting and   
familiar, in this strange place she had yet to feel at home in,   
though she had been here for several years.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The day passed uneventfully, as it always did in this place, and   
night had fallen. Oh, it had been peaceful enough- playing with   
the cats, tidying the small house, knitting, sewing- she managed   
to keep herself occupied. During the warmer months, there was   
also the tiny garden outside where she grew several vegetables   
and fruits; and a small stream behind the cabin that supplied   
enough fish for her and the cats.   
  
During winter though, when the chill winds froze the stream and   
her garden was blanketed with snow, she usually ran out of things   
to do. Many nights were spent gazing at the stars, particularly   
one constellation which seemed to call to her time and time   
again.   
  
Chichiri.   
  
She could almost see his loving eyes shining in the depths of   
those stars that were his namesake. Tears blurred her vision. How   
could she even mar his memory by thinking of him still? She   
wasn't fit to look up at that wonderful gaze. Not after what she   
had done.  
  
-----------  
  
~ Is that her? ~  
  
~ Yes. ~  
  
~ What has she done with her hair? ~  
  
~ It was part of what she had to go through. She did it herself   
right after she died. ~  
  
~ But... why? ~  
  
~ I suppose because she felt she no longer deserved to be   
beautiful after what she had done. ~  
  
~ She didn't do anything! Nothing that happened was her fault! ~  
  
~ Apparently, she doesn't feel that way... ~  
  
----------  
  
That day should have been one of the happiest days of her life.   
Her beloved Houjun had been running about excitedly for weeks,   
rambling on and on about a surprise he had in store for her. He   
had been evasive whenever she had questioned him, his eyes   
shining with mirth and love. Even his best friend, Hikou, their   
best friend really- they had all known each other since   
childhood- had not said a word, a forced smile and a wistful   
expression crossing his face whenever she had pressed him for   
information.  
  
Finally, the long-anticipated day came. She was waiting rather   
impatiently at her mother's house for Houjun who had set off for   
the village earlier that morning for her surprise. Little did she   
know that what awaited her at the house would shock her more than   
anything Houjun could have ever done.  
  
With aching remorse, she remembered Hikou's revelation, his   
pledge of love, and the kiss they shared- but most of all,   
Houjun's hurt face when he had returned only to find her in   
another's embrace.  
  
Slow, fat tears blurred her vision and her throat thickened with   
the bitter taste of self-loathing. She should have never tempted   
Hikou that way. She didn't know what she had done to provoke him,   
but it had to have been her fault. She allowed herself to be   
kissed by another man. Disgusted with herself, she had rejected   
Houjun and had used the chaos caused by the floods to escape and   
hang herself.  
  
Her body was found several days later by neighboring villagers   
and given a proper burial, assuming it had been bandits that   
caused her death and not suicide. Frustrated, she could only   
watch in spirit as her despised body was given an honorable   
burial. It took every ounce of her energy not to go and dig up   
the new grave, had she possessed enough power to do so. She did   
not deserve that honor. Crying, she had wandered until she had   
arrived at this place, where no one would see her, would know of   
her crimes against the heart. This was her refuge. She was not   
fit to be granted anything more than a life of loneliness.  
  
----------  
  
~ Taiitsukun, I cannot bear this! I must go to her! ~  
  
~ Chichiri, do you know what you're asking? Do you understand the   
consequences if you do go to her? She is filled with guilt and   
remorse. Unless she forgives herself, she will not be re-united   
with you. ~  
  
~ But Taiitsukun, don't you see? Without her, heaven would be   
hell for me. At least this way, we can be together. ~  
  
~ Chichiri, if you go to her, you may not be able to return to   
me. I know you haven't completely forgiven yourself for hers and   
Hikou's deaths, yet you possess enough strength to overcome your   
doubts. In her world, you may succumb to your demons and be   
unable to fight them. ~  
  
~ I understand. ~  
  
~ Chichiri... she may reject you. She doesn't believe she's   
worthy of you. ~  
  
The former seishi gazed up at her, his single eye glittering with   
determination. For a moment, his symbol flared, his ki shining as   
brightly as his stars.   
  
~ That's why I have to go. ~  
  
He offered her one last smile and tipped his kasa in farewell.  
  
~ Sayonara, Taiitsukun. ~  
  
With a heavy heart, she watched her beloved pupil disappear into   
oblivion.   
  
~ My prayers go with you, Chichiri. May you find what you seek. ~  
  
----------  
  
Someone was knocking on the door. Self-pity momentarily replaced   
by the aching need to see a friendly face, Kouran dropped her   
knitting excitedly and ran to the mirror in the bathroom. In all   
her time here, this would be her first visitor. And though she   
wasn't looking for a suitor- the memory of Houjun too painful to   
even think about- she still should make the effort to look at   
least presentable.  
  
It wasn't until after she had finished tying a bandanna around   
her cropped hair that she realized how incredibly lonely she was.   
Oh sure, she had the cats and her pointless chores to keep her   
occupied but she missed having someone to talk to. Tossing aside   
her grief, however momentarily, she bounded to the door and threw   
it open...  
  
Only to slam it shut again. Heart hammering madly, she threw   
herself against the wall, breath coming in harsh gasps. 'No, not   
him... anyone but him...'  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Chichiri's heart dropped to his feet. Though Taiitsukun had   
warned him about this, he was still unprepared for the force of   
the despair washing over him.   
  
'What if she never understands? What will happen to us? Am I   
doomed to live the same bleak existence as she, in one of these   
abandoned villages, shunning the ones I love?'  
  
He almost turned away right then and there. If he gave into the   
despair now, both of them would be lost. Fighting those thoughts,   
he concentrated instead on the days before the accident. He   
remembered her laugh, her beautiful smile, and most of all, her   
loving heart. Surely, two people who loved each other as much   
as they did would be destined to be together, right? And Suzaku   
was the god of love. If he made it possible for Miaka and Taka to   
be together, wasn't there a chance that one of the other seishi   
could find happiness as well? He had to give it one more try.  
  
"Kouran?" he called gently. "Please open the door. I just want   
to... talk to you."  
  
Seconds stretched into minutes, minutes became hours. Or at   
least, that's how he felt staring at her door for what seemed   
like eternity. Finally, he heard a footstep on the other side and   
the door opened.  
  
"Please forgive my rudeness, Chichiri-sama. Please come in."  
  
His heart sank through the floorboards only to be crushed by the   
unforgiving ground below. Chichiri-sama? She had never called him   
that, even after they'd found out he was a seishi. Oh, both she   
and Hikou would tease him about it but to hear her addressing him   
so formally tore him apart.  
  
'Am I ready for this? How can I be strong for her when my chest   
feels like it's about to burst? Maybe Taiitsukun was right. I   
can't do this...'  
  
Head bowed, he stepped inside and followed her into the darkened   
house, knowing this could be the end- for both of them.  
  
They sat in the sitting room silently, neither meeting the   
other's eyes. After a pregnant silence, she finally spoke.   
  
"I am sorry Chichiri-sama," she began, still refusing to look at   
him. "I do not get many visitors any more and was surprised by   
your coming. Please forgive me."  
  
Chichiri was stunned. Forgive her? She who had done nothing wrong   
was asking him, he who had killed his best friend just to save   
his own miserable hide, to forgive her?  
  
Without a second thought, he threw himself at her feet, hot tears   
leaking out of one mournful eye.  
  
"Kouran, Kouran, how can you even think that? It is I who should   
be asking forgiveness, not you!"  
  
It was her turn to be stunned.   
  
"Iie!" Wonderingly, she cradled his soft face in her gentle   
hands. His beautiful visage was marred, not only by the painful   
scar that distorted his eye, but by the grief etched in his   
expression. Her heart went out to him.  
  
"Oh, my Houjun, how much you've suffered," she whispered, tears   
mingling with his. "No one should ever have to go through the   
kind of pain I see in your face."  
  
With a small smile, he took one of her hands and kissed her palm   
tenderly. "And you," he murmured, one hand rising to finger the   
roughly shorn ends of her once beautiful hair. "You shouldn't   
have to live with your pain either. For whatever you think you've   
done, I forgive you. And you must forgive yourself as well." He   
released her hand and looked up at her, his other hand dropping   
to cup her face. "Shall we take the next step together?"  
  
Encouraged by the light dawning in her eyes, Chichiri offered his   
hand to her and waited.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Kouran stared at the outstretched hand a thousand emotions   
warring in her tortured mind. Part of her wanted- no, needed to   
believe that he had forgiven her, that she was capable of being   
forgiven, and loved after all. However, the other part knew that   
she didn't deserve such an honor. In fact, she was probably   
imagining this entire episode, the man in her sitting room a   
figment of her over-taxed imagination. She had been living alone   
after all for some time. Didn't the mind start playing tricks   
after years of isolation?  
  
Yes, that had to be it. There was no way possible that Chichiri,   
her Houjun, legendary warrior of Suzaku and Konan, would be in   
her living room, begging for her forgiveness and offering his in   
return. The very idea was preposterous. This man was probably the   
devil himself, trying to lure her into betraying what memories   
she had left of her beloved.  
  
Surging with anger, she slapped the hand away forcefully and shot   
the demon a glare that would melt the tallest snowcaps in Hokkan.  
  
"Iie!" she screamed, her eyes flashing fire. "I will not fall for   
your lies! Get out of here this instant! Get out!"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Chichiri faltered, whatever determination he had being worn away   
quickly in the face of her assault.  
  
"Kouran..."  
  
She clenched her eyes shut and refused to look in his direction.  
  
"Kouran," he pleaded, "do you remember that day by the river? It   
was the last day of harvest and I made that necklace for you with   
the polished stones..."  
  
----------  
  
"Houjun!"  
  
Her laughter echoed back to him, the delicious peals ringing   
above the harsher sound of the river. Smiling, he gave chase and   
bounded after her, his lower tenor mingling with her lighter   
tones, their laughter creating a music all its own.  
  
He caught up to her by the willow tree; actually, she had stopped   
running. With delicate hands, she had parted the soft fronds, an   
expression of wonder settling on her fair features.  
  
"Oh!" she whispered as he skidded to a stop beside her. Panting   
a bit, he forcibly slowed his breathing and peered into the gloom   
under the willow... and gasped.  
  
----------  
  
"Yamete!"  
  
Chichiri's concentration shattered, the half-hearted spell   
falling in shards onto his feet. She was crying. Face buried in   
her hands, she had collapsed to the floor, sobbing as if her very   
heart would break. Maybe it had.  
  
Her sadness crashed into him, smashing him to the floor beside   
her. He hadn't wanted to hurt her- to make her remember her   
painful past. But if there was a chance, any chance he could   
remind her how much they loved each other, and how happy they had   
been, he would take it. He would do anything for her.  
  
The moment she felt his touch on her arm, she ripped free and   
faced him, fists clenching so hard her knuckles turned white.  
  
"Stay away from me!"  
  
Something inside him shattered. "Kouran..."  
  
But the eyes that met his were no longer sane. They were tinged   
with anger, fury, and no little pain. The intense gaze tore into   
him, trapping him in their tortured depths. It was then that the   
determination holding him up crumbled to ashes, leaving his heart   
and mind in ruins. A pale shadow was all that remained, a hollow   
shell of a man. Defeated, he slumped to the ground.  
  
The action only seemed to infuriate her further.   
  
"Get out."  
  
The cold tone acted as a bucket of icy water, piercing the fog   
that held him frozen, its iciness piercing what was left of his   
tattered soul.  
  
Chichiri raised his head slowly, his tormented eye meeting her   
fury once again.  
  
"I said GET OUT!" Her cry ended in a tortured scream, echoing   
through the room- or maybe it was just in his mind. She advanced,   
one hand rising as if to strike him. Nodding once, his eye slid   
shut and he faded into nothingness, his cheek barely feeling the   
slap aimed at his face.  
  
The last thing he received from his one and only love.   
  
----------  
  
Chichiri opened his eye wearily, his gaze resting on an old   
familiar face. A sigh ended on a choked sob as he sat up and   
buried his face in his hands.   
  
"She didn't come, Taiitsukun. She didn't want... to be with me."  
  
For a moment, the old woman looked annoyed. "If you really   
thought that, you wouldn't be here," she scolded softly.  
  
He didn't look up. "Hai, I know. She wanted to be with me but   
didn't think she was worthy. Why?"  
  
Taiitsukun remained silent.   
  
"Doushite?" he repeated brokenly. A soft breeze blew sending   
dried leaves skittering past the grave.   
  
Chichiri raised his face to the unheeding sky, grief pouring out   
his remaining eye. "DOUSHITE?!?!"  
  
His anguished cry echoed through the small valley. The wind   
didn't answer.   
  
"Taiitsukun, there has to be another way," he pleaded, his entire   
body taut with desperation. "Onegaishimasu, I'll do anything..."  
  
"Chichiri..."  
  
His grief-stricken gaze dropped to the grass under their feet.   
"Onegai..."  
  
The old woman remained silent.  
  
----------  
  
Kouran hadn't slept in days. She hadn't eaten, hadn't even risen   
from bed.   
  
'I'm already dead and I still feel like dying,' she mused   
bitterly.  
  
All she could think about was him. His pain, his eyes- it must   
have taken him an incredible amount of courage to come here- if   
that really had been him. She still had her doubts but they were   
fading by the millisecond.   
  
He had spoken of that day, by the river- her throat contracted at   
the memory but she forced herself to continue. That was the day   
they had pledged their love to each other- in their special place   
under the willow tree. It was the first time they had kissed.  
  
Tears flowed unheeded down her pale cheeks. Oh, why had she   
doubted him? He had vowed, that day, to be with her forever, even   
after death. The memory of his loving hands, his soft lips as he   
touched them to hers ever so briefly, washed over her like a   
wave, taking with it any lingering doubts.  
  
He had returned for her, she was sure of it now. Somehow, he had   
broken though the barriers that separated the living from the   
dead and kept his promise to be with her. But, she had rejected   
him.  
  
The words fell into the raging currents of her mind, stilling its   
turbulence.  
  
She. Had. Rejected. Him.  
  
Full realization dawned and her anguished howl carried through   
the empty night, aided by a chilling wind.  
  
//Knock. Knock.//  
  
The unfamiliar sound pierced through her despair. The last time   
she had heard it, HE had been behind the door. Was she being   
given a second chance?  
  
Excitement flooding her veins, she hurried into the sitting room.   
Slowly, she opened the door.  
  
"I heard a scream, are you all right?" a familiar voice asked.  
  
"Houjun!" she squealed, throwing herself into his arms. It was   
him! Suddenly, all the pain and guilt she had suffered melted   
away as she burrowed into his embrace. They were together again.   
Nothing else mattered. They were together.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
OWARI?  
  
Author's Notes: *sigh* I think I thoroughly despise Kouran. She   
was annoying me so much I wanted to make her suffer more! But, oh   
well. Comments and feedback onegai!! tsukinouta@yahoo.com  
  
Disclaimers: Fushigi Yuugi and its characters belong to Watase   
Yuu. Rights are also held by Flower Comics, Shogakukan, Bandai,   
TV Tokyo, Movic, Studio Pierrot; US rights by Viz Communications   
and Pioneer.  
  
A lot of the ideas behind this were inspired by the movie "What   
Dreams May Come" starring Robin Williams. I just tweaked things a   
bit to suit my purposes. I like doing that. ^_~   
  
A huge *glomp* to Quicksilver and Socks-chan who went over this   
with a fine toothed comb. It might not have turned out as   
expected but I think it still works. Maybe in Part 2, ne? ^_~   
Hugs also go out to Lyra, Arion, Gerald, Night~Mare, and   
Stormlight for putting up with my ranting and raving and   
threatening to slow-roast Kouran over a slow fire.  
  
And all my threats are meaningless before any of you get the   
wrong idea. It was just hard to write her, that's all. Now that   
it's done, no hard feelings, ne? *ducks a fwap from Kouran's   
rolling pin* Eep!  
  
No copyright infringement is intended. This story was written   
purely for the entertainment and enjoyment of other fans and I am   
not making any profit from it. I do ask, however, that my   
permission be obtained before posting this somewhere else.  
  
"Forgiveness" Copyrighted © September 25, 2000 by Moonsong.  
All rights not previously claimed by the above are reserved.   
  



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